I actually feel a little pathetic for even writing this post, but as I found both of my previous blogs to be completely cathartic, I feel it is necessary to write with raw vigor.
I have never fit in. Ever. Throughout periods of my life I’ve been able to be enough of a chameleon that it seems to others that I fit in but in reality, I always feel like I’m on the outside looking in. Harder still is that most people think I have tons of close friends and people in my life and that I live this life of constant excitement. When I express feelings of loneliness or sadness, some friends say “well you don’t ever call me and I’m just sitting here with nothing to do either”, because after all, it’s always about them, right?
I don’t know how to explain it. I’ve lived for so long in my head, that sometimes that’s the safest place in the world for me. Most of my clients are completely surprised when I tell them these feelings, but after all, they’re seeing my on my turf so I’m completely safe. But any time I’m invited to go somewhere or do something, I always want to know who will be there, the plans, etc. I have to protect my surroundings. And most of the time, I just bow out because after all, it’s easier to be alone than have to deal with that crap. Most of the time when I do build a friendship with someone, there’s so much drama that it’s easier to just…fade out.
To any of my friends reading this, don’t take it personally, it’s not about you. Seriously. And when you make it about you, it just makes me want to back away more. I don’t like people who have high expectations of me, which is strange, because I have such high expectations for others. Actually, I guess that makes sense because I’m a big believer in mirroring.
The reality is that I’ve learned to love being alone. Most of the day, other than when I’m with my clients or husband and dogs, I’m alone. Completely alone. I actually don’t mind it, but I do think it contributes to my strong need to make podcasts, videos, blogs, etc, because I don’t talk to anyone. I dance in my car listening to music, play records at home, watch movies and television or read. I like being in my head. I like being alone.
But lately it’s really been bothering me. I always feel that no matter how close to someone I get, something happens and they exit my life. I think lately I’ve forced this to happen before it happens to me so I can’t get hurt. Alex tells me I want deep relationships too quickly and that I need to stop having such high expectations for friendships. Last night we were talking about this and I couldn’t explain how I felt in a way that he would understand.
And then I remembered that movie Stella with Bette Midler, which was a remake of the classic Stella Dallas. If you haven’t seen it, the film is about the daughter of a poor bartender mother and rich father. Stella, Bette Midler, raises her daughter until she is a teenager and then during a fight, forces her daughter to go live with her father, in actuality believing it is a better life for her daughter. At the end of the movie, the daughter gets married and Stella watches the wedding from outside looking in. Here, check it out for yourself.
Makes me sob every time.
But that’s kind of how I look at the world; from the outside looking in. And even though I’m lonely at times and even though I may bow away from people, I kind of like it that way. So please don’t feel sorry for me.
When I was in elementary school, I began being bullied and made fun of on a regular basis. I can still remember coming home from school and feeling so safe; never really in danger but out of harms way from the words and insults. I think I built some kind of barrier long ago that allowed me to see people’s true intentions and when I got hurt, I just hid behind the barrier. I still do that today. But I’m going to try and be better.
I think maybe this feeling of intense loneliness lately has made me realize how much of life I’m missing. And it’s all my fault. But I’m done missing out. We’re on borrowed time as it is…
But I still like living in my head. It’s a crazy fucking, fun filled place.