For years, I always took Halloween off because it was my favorite holiday. I would get up early and go to all of the stores, looking at the already marked down Halloween stuff. I’d drink apple cider and usually visit my mom before we’d go over to my cousin’s house for chili dinner. I didn’t do any of those things today. I woke up late, got coffee and sat at my friend’s house watching Dr. Phil discuss the world’s most disturbing catfish case, followed by two episodes of Family Feud. I didn’t feel like really going anywhere where I would have to interact with a bunch of people. Truth be told, I’ve become a little bit of a recluse lately. I feel like maybe my friends and family take it personally but quite honestly I feel more lonely in a room full of people than I do all by myself. So instead of going to a chili dinner, we made chili, put the dogs in their costumes and watched American Horror Story: Coven. The perfect gay couple on Halloween.
Lately, I’ve really felt stuck between two worlds; one where I am extremely social and one where I’m completely a shut in. I don’t really know which way to go and I’m trying to find a balance. One thing is certain though. I’ve learned that I enjoy silence. Much of the time I’m driving, I’m either listening to an audio book or just have the radio turned off completely.
As I sit here writing this I’m starting to think this sounds very strange and almost psychiatric, as if I want to become some reclusive shut-in who has incredibly long fingernails and collects magazine clippings. That is not the case. I’m just finding that I don’t have a whole lot to say anymore. To anyone.
I drove by this gorgeous tree today, the same one pictured above, and thought how much I take for granted the small things in my life. My dog Boo Radley smiling, the smell of coffee roasting in the kitchen, the sound of rain, my husband breathing lightly when he sleeps, sitting on my front porch swing smoking and reading, a ripe orange, the crackle of a wood-burning fireplace, my comfortable shoes, my feet…my life.
I have much to be grateful for these days and maybe it’s taken this solitude lately, this removal from self and others, to realize how much I really take for granted and that it’s time to get back to life.
Yeah…I think it’s time. Because you know what my mom used to say. “We’re on borrowed time as it is!”